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LOVE MARRIAGE Expectation versus Reality



By Sarabpreet Kaur

When your love affair matures into marriage, life become a bed of roses… or does it?

When Chaheti, 27, Interior Designer, confided having troubles in her marriage, it was hard to gulp down! She and her now-husband, Rahul, 29, Mechanical Engineer, were in a committed relationship for three years before finally tying the knot. But soon after, insecurities crept in and both started accusing each other for having changed. They had assumed that since they’ve been together for so long, it’ll be a cakewalk for them to stay clear of the clichéd problems in marriages. But apparently, that did not happen.
The pros and cons of love marriage have always been a debatable subject. Although love marriages in today’s era are not totally out-of-question, yet surprisingly their success is not always something to be sure of! Unlike in arranged marriages, expectations are often very high in love marriages. Both the spouses assume that they know their partner well enough to rightly predict their post-marriage behavior.
Let’s explore the expectations, realities and practicalities allied to this popular concept of choosing the “official” life partner.


Round-The-Clock Togetherness
Spending a few hours together to staying with each other all the time—this change from a love affair to the socially-sanctioned institution of marriage is inevitable to witness many new facets in both the spouses’ life.
Dr. Pankaj Aggarwal, a senior homoeopath and psychologist, opines, “There is a big difference in a romantic relationship and marriage.”
“You can be out of a relationship by just saying ‘let’s breakup’ but you can’t do so in a marriage,” he adds.
However, if you think marriage might take out the romance from your relationship, you are worrying unnecessarily, as relationship expert Jai Madaan puts, “Being married is a state of mind. Of course the ceremony and piece of paper states that you are “officially” in “god’s eyes”, and the “government’s eyes” committed to each other. Conversely, you can be in a long term relationship and living together, and be more serious about your relationship than a couple who actually took vows. If you are committed to another person truly and you live for and with each other and are in love, the only vows that matter are the ones you have made to each other and not “in front of” everyone else.





Unintentional Mistakes


Sometimes couples unknowingly commit mistakes that ultimately harm their relationship. Often “taken for granted” attitude of one spouse deters a healthy relationship. Aggarwal says, “Partners wish the other spouse to follow them without question. Many times, they intrude in the freedom of the other, expecting them to adjust even their small habits and needs like sleep time, eating time, bathing time and so on, as per their own liking.”
“Lack of trust and blaming the failure of anything in life to your spouse are some other problems that surface in marriages. Many times we use our spouse to release our frustration and expect the other one to swallow the rude behavior without any questions,” he shares.
Madaan feels, “It is only fair to accept the blame if you have disappointed your partner. Time and again, our ego takes over and we refuse to take onus for our faults. Remember, you have nothing to lose with your spouse.”
Sometimes, families-in-law seem responsible for tussles between the couple. As per Madaan, “Couples’ family should not interfere in the personal issues of husband and wife; usually, it creates more misunderstanding between them.”
“A lot of long relationships hit the stage when one partner feels that the other one is taking them for granted. It can be tackled by discussing the issues. Most importantly, couples should talk about every issue, instead of getting into mindless arguments and clashes, causing issues to linger on and harm the relationship,” she advices.
The Bliss of Love Marriage
If you are soon getting married to your boyfriend or girlfriend, or you are already married to the love of your life, then you know that love marriages also have some sweet perks to enjoy.
You know each other and each other’s families quite well. So, initial hesitation and shyness that’s often webbed in an arranged marriage can take a backseat for you. Plus, for you two, getting married is not just about making it “official” but making the world know about your fondness for each other.
Madaan says, “Honest and candid communication is at the core of a good marriage.” Thankfully, being open-hearted to someone you are in love with is almost effortless.
Before The Lifetime Commitment
Problems arise when you fail to correctly analyze your relationship before taking the plunge. If you are not happy and comfortable in your relationship, tying the knot, assuming that things will change after, is not at all a wise move.
One easy way to ascertain a yes or a no in your mind for marriage is to check “your energy level in presence of each other” as Aggarwal puts it.
Madaan adds, “You have to spend a lot of time together. So, it is important that you enjoy each other’s company. Also, if for some reason you’re uncomfortable confiding in your partner, ask yourself why. Odds are that the two of you haven’t yet achieved the level of intimacy needed to consider marriage. You may need more time to let the relationship develop.”

WISE RELATIONSHIP RULES:

  • Respect each others’ elders, unconditionally
  • During discussions, do not point to old issues
  • Do not be sarcastic while seeing each others’ families
  • Be natural, respectful and responsive while in company
  • Agree to disagree

— By Dr. Pankaj Aggarwal,
a senior homoeopath and psychologist


Long story short, if you love someone, you already know a feeling that many might have never experienced. Never take for granted the fact that you two are officially a couple, a bliss in itself. Always remember the moments and experiences that seemed wonderful because of your partner by your side. Once you step in the respectful institution of marriage, don’t stop wooing your beloved… they deserve only the best of you.
Here’s wishing your journey, from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife, and then to an old married couple, to be filled with smiles, lots of warmth, contentment and one-of-a-kind love.

 

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